Deciding Whether to Try to Conceive: Ambivalence, Uncertainty, and When Partners Aren't on the Same Page

Written By Jess Coleman, Ph.D.

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The decision about whether to have a child — or another child — is one of the most significant a person can face. It is also not talked openly about enough. Most of the cultural scripts available are either enthusiastically pro-parenthood or, in more recent years, enthusiastically childfree. What gets far less focus is the space in between: genuine ambivalence, the longing that sits alongside doubt, and the particular kind of strain that emerges when two people in a committed relationship find themselves on different sides of this question.

Ambivalence about having children is more common than people realize. It is a reasonable response to a genuinely complex, irreversible, and deeply personal decision — one that intersects with identity, values, relationships, finances, health, and fears about the future in ways that cannot be easily resolved by making a pro-con list. Research consistently finds that a significant proportion of people experience uncertainty about whether to become parents or to have more children, and that partner disagreement on family building decisions is more common than most people assume.

This post is for anyone sitting with that uncertainty, whether you are considering a first child, navigating the question of whether to have another, or trying to hold your own feelings while your relationship is strained by a difference in where each of you stands.

Why this decision can be so hard to make

Deciding whether to try to conceive is not like most decisions. It is irreversible in both directions — choosing to have a child changes your life permanently, and choosing not to closes a door that cannot always be reopened. It involves not just a personal preference but a fundamental question about the kind of life you want to build. And unlike most major life decisions, it cannot be fully informed in advance: you cannot know what parenthood will actually feel like until you are in it, and you cannot know what remaining childless will feel like until that window has closed.

This uncertainty is part of what makes the decision so hard to hold. It is not a failure of self-knowledge or commitment. It is an inherent feature of the choice itself.

At the same time, the decision rarely happens in a vacuum. It is shaped by age and fertility timelines, by financial and logistical realities, by family histories and what was modeled in childhood, by cultural and social expectations, by prior losses or difficult experiences with pregnancy and parenting, and by the relationship dynamics between partners who may not be arriving at this question from the same place. Any one of these factors would be significant on its own. Together, they can make the decision feel overwhelming.

What ambivalence is and why it deserves respect

Ambivalence means holding two conflicting desires or feelings at the same time. It is not the same as indecision, the absence of a preference. You might genuinely want a child and genuinely fear what parenthood will cost you. You might feel a deep pull toward expanding your family and a real grief about what another child would mean for your relationship, your career, or your existing children. Both things can be true simultaneously, and the fact that they coexist does not mean one of them is more real or more valid than the other.

Research on childbearing ambivalence finds that it is both common and underacknowledged. Studies consistently show that a substantial proportion of people across ages, relationship statuses, and parenting histories experience genuine uncertainty about their fertility intentions at some point. The fact that this ambivalence is common does not make it comfortable. In a culture that treats the desire for children as either natural and obvious or as a clear personal preference, ambivalence can feel like a secret, a flaw, or a problem to be solved rather than a legitimate emotional state to sit with.

One of the most important things therapy can offer in this area is the permission to be ambivalent without rushing toward resolution.

When you and your partner want different things: first children

Partner disagreement about whether to have a first child is more common than most couples expect. Research suggests that in a significant proportion of couples where at least one partner expresses a desire for a child, the other does not share that desire, and that this disagreement is one of the more challenging dynamics a relationship can face.

This is, in part, because there is no compromise position available. Unlike disagreements about where to live, how to spend money, or how much time to spend with extended family, the question of whether to have a child does not have a halfway point. One person's fundamental desire either shapes the couple's future or it does not. This reality makes the disagreement feel existential in a way that other relationship conflicts often may not, because it implicates not just a decision but each person's sense of who they are and what they need.

When one partner wants a child and the other is uncertain or opposed, both people are in genuinely difficult positions. The partner who wants a child may be carrying longing, fear about time passing, and grief about a future they have imagined that may not materialize. The partner who is uncertain or opposed may be carrying pressure, guilt, fear of making the wrong choice in either direction, and the weight of knowing that their hesitation is costing someone they love something significant. Neither position is easy. Neither is selfish. Both deserve to be understood on their own terms.

What can get lost in the dynamic is each person's ability to stay connected to their own internal experience rather than becoming primarily reactive to their partner's. When the question of whether to try to conceive is live in a relationship, there is often enormous spoken and unspoken pressure that makes it difficult to think clearly about what you actually feel and want, independent of what your partner feels and wants. Individual therapy can be a space where that clarity becomes more possible.

When you and your partner want different things: subsequent children

Disagreement about whether to have another child carries its own weight. In some ways it is more complex than disagreement about a first child, because the relational terrain has already shifted. You have already become parents together. You know, in a way you did not before, something real about what this is — the demands, the love, the loss of self, the meaning.

Research on fertility preferences finds that disagreement is actually more common around subsequent births than first births, and that when partners disagree about a subsequent child, the outcome is more likely to be not having the child than having one. This statistical tendency does not capture the emotional reality for the person who wanted another child — the grief, the sense of loss, the sometimes complicated feelings about a family that ended up smaller than they imagined.

For the partner who is uncertain or does not want another child, the position can also carry weight that is not always visible: the awareness that their limits are shaping someone else's life in a significant way, the difficulty of holding a "no" under sustained relational pressure, and sometimes their own quiet grief about the reasons they feel they cannot do it again — whether those reasons have to do with their mental or physical health, their experience of the postpartum period, financial strain, or simply an honest look at their capacity.

These do not always have a resolution that feels good to both people. What they share is the need for space to be understood, to be honest, and to process the feelings without immediately having to arrive at a decision.

When both partners are uncertain

Not all reproductive ambivalence involves partners on clearly different sides. Sometimes both people are genuinely unsure whether they want a child or another child, whether now is the right time, or how to weigh the competing considerations.

Shared ambivalence carries its own dynamics. Without a clear "yes" from either person, the decision can stall indefinitely — sometimes productively, as more time and information become available, and sometimes in ways that create their own pressure as fertility timelines advance. Shared ambivalence can also create a kind of circular conversation where both partners are looking to the other for a direction neither is ready to give.

There is also the question of what each person's ambivalence is actually about. Two people can both say "I'm not sure" and mean very different things — one may be uncertain because they are genuinely open to either path, and the other may be uncertain because they have a strong pull in one direction that they are afraid to name, or because they are anticipating their partner's response. Understanding your own ambivalence — what it is really made of, what fears or desires sit underneath it — is often useful work, and it is work that can be done individually before or alongside any shared conversations.

The grief that lives inside this decision

Whatever position you are in — wanting a child your partner does not want, feeling uncertain while your partner is certain, or holding your own ambivalence quietly — grief is often part of the experience. This is not always recognized, because grief tends to be associated with loss that has already occurred rather than losses that are anticipated or uncertain.

But the grief of reproductive ambivalence is real. It is the grief of a future that may not happen, or one that is happening in a way that does not match what you had imagined. It is the grief of watching time pass while a decision remains unresolved. It is the grief of a relationship under strain over something neither person chose to disagree about. And for those who ultimately do not have a child or another child, it can be the grief of a door that has closed — even when they were the one to close it, even when they know it was the right decision.

This grief does not require a particular outcome to be legitimate. It can coexist with gratitude, with love for an existing family, with genuine relief about a decision made, and with real clarity about the path chosen. The presence of grief does not mean the decision was wrong. It means the decision mattered.

The loneliness of navigating this without resolution

One of the most consistent experiences people describe when they are navigating this territory is loneliness. Not necessarily because they are without support — they may have a loving partner, close friends, a therapist — but because there is a particular kind of aloneness that comes from being in a decision that cannot be fully shared.

If you want a child your partner does not want, you may be unable to fully voice the depth of your longing without it feeling like pressure. If you do not want a child your partner wants, you may feel unable to be honest about your hesitation without feeling like you are failing them. If you are both uncertain, the circularity of the conversation can leave each person feeling unseen. And across all of these dynamics, there is often very little space in the broader social world to talk about what is actually happening because reproductive decisions are private, ambivalence is culturally undervalued, and the stakes feel too high to process out loud in most relationships.

This loneliness is worth naming because it can reduce the shame that often compounds it. The sense that you should be able to figure this out, or that something is wrong with your relationship or yourself because you haven't, is often more painful than the uncertainty itself.

What individual therapy can offer

I work with individuals navigating the full range of this territory — those who want a child their partner does not, those who are uncertain while their partner is clear, those where both partners are uncertain, and those who have made a decision and are now sitting with the grief or ambivalence that follows. I provide individual therapy that specifically makes space for the relational dimensions of this experience — the longing, the fear, the grief, and the complicated dynamics of being in a relationship where this question is live.

What individual therapy can offer in this territory is not advice about what to decide. It is a space to understand your own internal experience more clearly: to separate your authentic feelings from the pressure, fear, or reactivity that may have been shaping how you think about the question. Many people find that when they have space to think honestly about what they actually want and why, the clarity that emerges is different from anything they could access in the midst of a conversation with their partner or in the company of family and friends.

In my work with clients navigating this territory, we often explore:

  • What the pull toward having a child, or away from it, is actually rooted in
  • What fears are shaping the uncertainty, and whether those fears are about the decision itself or something adjacent to it
  • How the relationship dynamic is affecting their ability to access their own feelings
  • What grief is present, and whether it is getting the space it needs
  • What their values say about the kind of life they want to build
  • How to hold the uncertainty without letting it consume the present
  • What it would mean to make either choice, and how to think about a decision that cannot be fully known in advance

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is particularly well-suited to this work because it focuses on staying connected to values, what matters most, and what kind of person and partner and parent you want to be even when the situation is genuinely unresolvable in the short term. Rather than trying to eliminate uncertainty, ACT supports people in developing the capacity to act in alignment with what they know to be true about themselves, even while holding what they do not yet know.

How individual therapy and couples therapy work together

Many of the clients I work with are also seeing a couples therapist with their partner — and this combination is often a meaningful one. Couples therapy provides a space for the relational conversation: what each person wants, how to navigate the disagreement together, and how to make decisions as a unit without either person losing themselves in the process. Individual therapy provides something different: a space that belongs entirely to the individual, where the focus is on their own emotional experience rather than the relationship's needs.

These two kinds of work are not redundant; they often reinforce each other. People frequently find that the clarity they develop in individual therapy about their own feelings, their own values, their own fears makes them more able to show up fully and honestly in couples sessions. And the relational context that couples therapy provides often generates material that is worth processing individually: reactions that surprised you, patterns you noticed, feelings that came up that you did not have space to fully explore in the room.

If you are currently seeing a couples therapist and are also looking for a space to process your own experience, individual therapy alongside that work can be one of the more meaningful combinations of support available during a period this significant.

If you are not currently in couples therapy but are navigating a significant disagreement with your partner about reproductive decisions, that support may also be worth considering.

When to seek support

Individual therapy may be helpful when ambivalence or uncertainty about having a child is causing significant distress, when partner disagreement is creating isolation or loneliness, when grief around this question is present and does not have space to be processed, or when you find yourself unable to access your own feelings clearly because of the relational pressure surrounding the decision. Therapy is also valuable when a decision has been made and you are navigating the emotional aftermath of it.

You do not need to be in crisis to seek support. Many people find that having a space to process this question before it becomes acutely destabilizing makes a meaningful difference in how they move through it.

If someone is experiencing thoughts of self-harm or suicide, immediate support is needed. In the U.S., calling or texting 988 connects to the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. If there is imminent danger, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room.

If any of this resonates, and you're wondering if working with a specialist might help, I'd be glad to connect. You can reach me through my contact form or at contact@drjesscoleman.com.

Telehealth therapy for reproductive decision-making

I provide telehealth therapy to adults in North Carolina, California, and 40+ PSYPACT states. I specialize in reproductive-related life transitions and work with individuals navigating ambivalence, uncertainty, and partner disagreement about the decision to try to conceive, whether for a first child or a subsequent one. If you are looking for a space to process your own emotional experience during this time, I would be glad to connect. You can reach me through the contact form on this site or by emailing contact@drjesscoleman.com.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it normal to feel ambivalent about whether to have a child?

Yes. Research consistently finds that ambivalence about childbearing is common across a broad range of ages, relationship statuses, and life circumstances. The cultural narrative tends to treat the desire for children as either obvious or clearly absent, which can make ambivalence feel like a personal failing or a sign that something is wrong. It is a reasonable response to a genuinely complex, irreversible, and deeply personal decision — and one that deserves to be sat with honestly rather than hurried.

How do I know whether my uncertainty is telling me something important?

Uncertainty about having a child can come from many different places — genuine openness to either path, fear about specific aspects of parenthood, relational pressure that is making it hard to think clearly, or a strong feeling in one direction that has not yet been fully named. Understanding what is driving your uncertainty is often useful work, and it is something individual therapy can help with. The goal is not to arrive at certainty — it is to know yourself more clearly.

Can therapy help even if I'm also in couples therapy with my partner?

Yes. Individual therapy and couples therapy serve different functions and are not redundant. Couples therapy focuses on the relational conversation and the shared decision-making process. Individual therapy provides a space that belongs entirely to you for processing your own emotional experience, developing clarity about your own feelings and values, and working through what this question brings up for you personally. Many people find that the two kinds of work reinforce each other in meaningful ways.

What if I've already made a decision and I'm still struggling?

This is very common. Making a decision in either direction does not necessarily resolve the ambivalence or eliminate the grief. Many people find that once a decision has been made, feelings they had been deferring finally have space to surface. Whether you have decided to try to conceive, to stop trying, or not to have a child, the emotional aftermath of that decision deserves attention and support. Therapy can provide a space to process those feelings without pressure to reframe them or move on before you are ready.

What if I'm not sure whether what I'm feeling is grief, ambivalence, or something else?

That uncertainty is itself meaningful, and it is worth exploring. Grief, ambivalence, fear, longing, and relief can all coexist in this territory and can be genuinely difficult to distinguish from one another. Therapy is a space to understand your own internal experience more clearly, whatever form it takes. You do not need to know what you are feeling before you reach out.

Further Reading

Jess Coleman, Ph.D.
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